dear mum and dad,

"we're not telling you what to do, we're just simply telling you what the right thing to do is,"


remind me to never; EVER say this to my children when it comes to post secondary education.
going to school should not define intelligence.
you both need to get over the fact that I'm different; that I don't need money to be happy, I don't need an education to feel significant.

you are responsible for pushing me away; and that's how the story ends.


on that note:
this is so appealing.

Africa

I finally have a goal to look forward to.

it's unrealistic, and I know I've said I want to do a lot of things; but this is for real.

creaky bus rides filled with valium and discomfort; I can only imagine what other kinds of discomfort I'll have the pleasure of experiencing. 

mountain biking with zebras and lions - seriously?

I sit here only to chant about how excited I am to be surrounded by  foreign luxuries, also of how shitty I am at school and how my boyfriend can be oblivious. then I realize that there are thousands, no, millions of people in worse conditions and are totally fulfilled with their life; because they don't know any different.

I should really put a harder effort into being less of a pre-madonna.  

cutting loses; and regaining them.

I missed my bed; to bad I passed out in it instead of studying the three chapters I told myself I would.
No worries: it was all for a good cause.

I missed my Sunday nights with my main ladies; I have never laughed so hard over a lesbian-ever. nevermind the on going confusion on how to flush Alexa's toilet, as well as trying to get down the stares in a state of blindness and constant snorts, struggling to stay quiet (mass fail on that one.)

I missed my car; that thing is "Paige" tainted yet again. It's going to be a blast, and a huge pain in the romp to get it back to square one again.

I missed my dog; she snores, and farts when she sleeps. I think she's worse then him, but it's hilarious!

AYE! guess who's sucking at academics today!?

fender bender.

"so what do you want to do?"

this is the question that gets my mind puttering in fifth gear; every time.

"well, I think I'm just going to take it day by day and find out."
I don't sound totally confident.
blank stares; as if I'm completely and utterly insane for not having a plan.
since when was planning your life out a requirement?
it's a stereotype; a social comfort.

"so no ideas?"

oh I have plenty of ideas, none in which you'll be interested in hearing.

"good luck with that" (thought bubble)

funny thing though, what surrounds us today was made from an idea that was once unrealistic; the automobile, flying, man on the moon.
so chew on that one for a moment or two... or three.

I am confident in my decisions.
I regret nothing.
I have my dreams.


today is what today has given me. tommorrow will give me something new.

....and eventually I will bump into something that sparks.

crossing fingers.

I just sent in my resume to be a promotions coordinator; assuming it means public speaking/promoting for events.

thought I would test my luck, but I realized that I really need to get my foot in the door for this stuff.


wish me luck!

ps. none stop on the tequila train with the new room mate was a great kick off to this new life.

the infamous peacock.

I found it; exactly. and it's in black in white which was preferred.

tattoo project number 4.
location: middle of the back.


ya dig?

ragoo

" I got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the plane. If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same."

shit.

I took the bus for the first time in five years. standing in the cold never felt so liberating. sort of like my situation; i left "prematurely". what does that word even mean?
I'm addicted to tattoos; legitimately- 3 in 3 weeks, jeeze.

my apartment smells like freedom and studio cigarettes.
maudis criss!

"I just up and left."

today I learned the importance of freedom.

I learned that I have to right to make my own decisions; that I can no longer be threatened by financial support. I realized that in the end; everything will turn out just fine. This is because I am not immoral, i am not irresponsible (well not any more then the average person). I have been shoving my head into text books to please and not because it's actually what i want to do. this has nothing to do with love, or rebellion. This has to do with proving to you that I am my own person regardless of money. I'd rather have my choices be the reason my life is difficult then it be because you threatened to do so and so you're simply following through. I am so ready so suffer my consequences.
This hasn't felt right to me since day one and my eyes finally feel more open then ever.

I picked myself up; I said no more; I'm taking matters into my own hands.
If I fall, I fall. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong and that's the beauty of it all. Because no matter what happens, I'll still be breathing.

battle suits on; this is going to be a riot.

day3

she had diamonds on the inside, she wore diamonds on the inside. flowing in and around my head. the state of being completely and fully content is starting to rupture itself back into my system; it's fantastic. the artificially induced hue glaring over the many extravagant roof tops still blows my mind. I wonder what it's like living as a Stepford wife? floral printed aprons and roast dinners every sunday night; surreal. how do people go about living in these conditions? with perfectly paved roads and artistic front yards with their quaint porches and "lucky" dog houses. I took a moment to replenish my system with canada's favorite source of energy. the off beige uniform fully equipped with the golf visor, he kindly didn't charge me for my poison, all because I told him to take his time when he politely asked me to give him a few. funny how simplicity and patience is taken for granted by the majority of the human race in our first world countries. my soloness continues as I decide to indulge in our city's live music; tonights choice was the blues. she was about 60 years old and rocked her gibson super hard. I only stayed long enough to finish my veno.
I am fully aware that tonight is not apart of my recovery; but if you were me, you'd understand that I don't just sleep for days on end. I would blow up; for real: into a million pieces of jingle filled, multicolored confetti. It would look nice, but then it's purpose is suddenly over. I'm not ready to put mine on hold.

I'll be back on my tracks next week; should I be? probably not; but, ah geez. whatever.

day2

I could hear myself speak in my sleep last night. Codine is my new best friend; careful,careful, I know. It feels like this shouldn't be phasing me like it has, but I can't seem to stop crying. One minute I'm laughing at some quirky joke from a romantic comedy, the next I'm balling my eyes out; I don't get it.
I can't seem to flood over the image of me progressively getting larger and uglier as my body tangles itself into my bed sheets. my appetite doesn't seem to go away, I don't think I could even eat myself to death if I tried; It constantly feels empty. I get exhausted walking up a flight of stairs (even more so then when cigarettes were an influence,) but I can't seem to sleep. I'm restless; I could lay in bed all day and not get a wink of sleep and when I do? I don't feel rested.
I think my biggest problem is I'm scared, and probably more then I should be.
I've never broken a bone, I've had the flu maybe three times in my life; I've never really experienced any kind of excruciating physical pain, like, the kind where you wish someone would put you out of your misery. So this whole non curable virus thing takes my roller coaster off it's tracks a bit. I don't feel like myself, and I'm worried as to how long something like this will last. I read that the symptoms only last about 2-4 weeks, but that people feel weak and fatigued for months after. I don't want that, at all. I like being a busy body. I like moving about and seeing people and working and even finding ways to procrastinate my academics; that's what makes me, me. And the thought that it's going to be altered is terrifying. I don't want people to pity me, to watch out for me because I'm suddenly weak and unauthorized to be my energetic self. I may be blowing this all out of proportion, but that's exactly my point.
This cave, these sheets, this computer screen I'm forced to be surrounded by gets my mind all tweaking and buzzing and I don't have my usual habits to balance it out.

okay. I guess I should just be thankful I'm not dying.

partial cure:

my laptop will be my new best friend for the next two weeks;
But these two pieces of art for females will forever remain as the only two to successfully make me feel better; this shit better not last.

thank you alexa for putting these up; and god speed.
ps. I finally watched "Away We Go": it was exactly how I expected it to be, flawless soundtrack and all.

the kissing disease.

mon⋅o⋅nu⋅cle⋅o⋅sis 
/ˌmɒnəˌnukliˈoʊsɪs, -ˌnyu-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [mon-uh-noo-klee-oh-sis, -nyoo-]
–noun
The presence of an abnormally large number of mononuclear leukocytes, or monocytes, in the blood.
Fever, swollen lymph nodes, flu and step throat can also be commonly mistaken for mononucleosis.

there is no cure.

So although I spent a good portion of my weekend sick as a dog with the boy, at least we were both partially dying.

boy diagnosis: chest cold: running nose, pressured sinuses, head aches, coughing.
girl diagnosis:
a) strep throat: swollen glands, fever, really nasty looking tonsils, the most uncomfortable agonizing pain you'll ever experience; followed by trouble swallowing, breathing, speaking, sleeping and moving anything neck up.
b) failure in medication: the doctor I went to see with the lazy eye, undersized polo T and partially ripped levis prescribed me a medication that was totally ineffective. gee, thanks.
c) hospitalization: muscle pain, and even worse glandular throat pains; a visit to the steinbach hospital is enforced.
d) mono: a non treatable virus that causes prolonged fatigue and muscle weakness. immune system is down.

this would be my weekend in a nutshell. pretty awesome right?

I had a nightmare I was bed ridden for three months; i lost my job, i lost contact with my friends, i lost my boyfriend and I was set back a year with school. this was not a good start to my recovery.

on the plus side,

"I talked to a lot of people that night; talking to you was the best part."

birthday parties are for children.

still jazzed on the birthday disco in the bush; laughs. beer. pause. epic dinner. more beer. more laughs.

i don't even think my writing skills could describe the events of this weekend and do it justice.

ps. thanks to all for being so awesome.

checkup hickup.

I'm still not getting into the swing of things; I'm still in "no order" mode. i feel my biggest accomplishment in the next month, no, week, will to have successfully transitioned myself from "party paige" to "studious paige."
hmm, this is all sounding so familiar....

I had the worst first day of school ever, didn't help that something new (no surprise,) was clogging at work. A coffee shop with a non operating sink = very unpleasant employees.

I'm hoping this week, along with it's brutal uphill battles, that I will feel the feeling one gets when they've accomplished something; when improvement is shown.

This weekend was phenomenal though. At this moment, it is merely a blurry mesh of what will remain as fond memories. But from what I remember I laughed my heart out and I don't think it could have swelled any more.
"it's like you just know." (thought bubble)

also, there are still things to look forward to:

birthday bash in the bush.
the black light hula parties in the dead of winter.
christmas break, reading week, lol.
along with the many sporadic set of events that are to come.


ps. I'm actually very content today.

I can't stop; I can't stop; I can't stop.

things I've put aside that need to be done asap:
school.
laundry.
develop pictures.
get picture frames.
fight speeding ticket.

september is tomorrow, and I miss us already.

a brief stroke of romance,

her heart was throbbing with excitement. she couldn't help but take a moment to admire the mural that was painted on the wall; yellows and purples and pinks; it was so perfect. climbing the narrow stairs she reached a dead line half way through. she regathered herself just in time to see him laying there tightly wound in his bedsheets. she crept in next to him, he almost died himself.
"it's just me! it's just me!"
without hesitation he wrapped his arms around her and mumbled, "no, I'm okay. you're my protection."

they walked and then they kept walking. laughing and singing barefoot down on the steamy cement. good community surrounds them which instantly gave her comfort.
"I'm going to show you something today," he smirks.

listening to poor pop music, singing along to lyrics people mock; it couldn't get any better. they finally reached the infamous "private property" and they eagerly trespassed. piles and piles of large sand hills surrounds them; then she sees what resembles a small, very sandy, lagoon. the water is aqua blue; it looks as if it were taken straight from the ocean.
"I'm going to jump right in."
clothes suddenly piled on the sandy surface, they prepare themselves for the arctic plunge. without hesitation she jumps in first, while he slowly crept in inch by inch.
"I don't know how you managed to do that so easily," he shivers causing him to choke on his smile. He watched her swim around freely in awe; his eyes drawn to every movement she made as she floated on the surface of the water. this could almost be a dream.

with empty packs of cigarettes and an empty bottle of wine, the sun had decided to finally leave us. she felt so cliche; she normally didn't believe in fairy tales, but she felt as though she could have lived in that moment forever.

laying in her own bed she couldn't stop smiling. she could still smell him on her skin as she let the days events flow through her mind over and over. it was in that moment where she pieced it together: he had truly fallen from the sky, because it was all to good to be true.

cork mouth.

So Ireland looks exactly how they say it looks; green. green. green. But not like, winnipeg green, like super lush vibrant green. I could live there, really I could. Their accents aren't a stereotype either, they sound just like they do in the movies; it's fantastic!

my moron of a brother "formated" my camera, causin all my pictures from london to dissapear. Needless to say I was choked, and I almost (for real) cried.
.... so that was a downer.


However! I got really drunk with my family and their friends last night and danced at some random disco club that was located at the very top of this place we've been calling "home" for the past week.

"you dance just like your mother!!" says dad.... ah shit.


side note: I haven't thought of "him" in over a week. scratch that, I did just now, but! it's a relief.
side note 2: I haven't stopped thinking about "him2" since I've left. Sweet reminders you miss me doesn't help either. argh! you're just so great!


ps. shout out to the stewart kids: you keep me sane.

quickie

I'm sitting at a desk and I can feel myself sway; left, right, left, right. It's almost frustrating because you can't walk in a straight line. Add liquore and you're doomed. However, it's nice to be rocked to sleep everynight.


I don't have much time, so I'm going to make this a quick blurb.

I spent time in London with my dearest Alexa, which was, obviously, a huge thrill. We did what we do best; drank beer and people watched. We even took the time to hit the "clubs" only to chug our beer in a plastic bottle, laugh and head back out to the busy streets of London. Also? McDonalds on Picadilly seemed to taste so much better.


I'm in Cork tomorrow! Irland; land of my descents.

I've had one cigarette in the past two days: what!? don't worry, that will change when I get back.


However, being surrounded by people over the age of 80 all day, everyday, is a little irritating. When you're walking around with an oxygen tank strapped to your back you know you shouldn't be traveling. But! alas! there they are, with their dirty martinis and bitter attitudes.

I miss home and it's comfort. Mostly I miss my girls, my work, my mystery man.

Anyways, more to come soon!

love you all.

the penguin to my pebble.

creatures only come out at night:
it came roaring through my front door. Covered in black, all I can see is it's tool of destruction strapped onto it's belt. There were tears in it's eyes.
"why am I such a monster?" it cries.
I can only sit there and pretend everything is o.k.
"I don't like it when you look at me like that," I reply.
my hands are covering my face yet I am no longer threatened by the sight of it all.
Suddenly it's sunrise, and your black cloak melts along with your heartache. I almost felt bad; then I realized choices were made; it's for the better.
So I let it melt in my arms, until it finally stops shaking.
"you're going to be o.k."

He slithered back out my front door and as it shuts, I held onto the handle and I didn't let go.

take 2.

you must have fallen out of the sky, because you've completely managed to cover me in greatness. You intimidate me, you inspire me, you make me laugh, you make me nervous in better ways then worse and best of all,
I really like your hats.

cloud nine: 5th gear-full throttle.

ps. europe in tminus 12 hours.

goosebumps and vodka.

I spent the last two days taking time off from my mind, my body and everything that revolves around the two. Sometimes an extra pair of tits is all a girl really needs around.
I don't think I've enjoyed beer or poker as much as I have over the past couple of days.

I've finally managed to have my sense of self back on track; and you come barging in-again.

"that was not cool"
"what?"

oh, I'm sorry you didn't have a flying clue. Well, it's to late now, I've already made the transition.

you're old news.


I have a "date" today.
I don't know yet if he's legit, but I'm kind of really extremely tremendously excited for it.
he's a walking, talking piece of art and it intimidates me. crossing my fingers is the best I can do as of now!


also,
Passion Pit - Manners: it can't stop. it won't stop. and now it's on Curve 94.3
STEREO!!!
barf.