I could hear myself speak in my sleep last night. Codine is my new best friend; careful,careful, I know. It feels like this shouldn't be phasing me like it has, but I can't seem to stop crying. One minute I'm laughing at some quirky joke from a romantic comedy, the next I'm balling my eyes out; I don't get it.
I can't seem to flood over the image of me progressively getting larger and uglier as my body tangles itself into my bed sheets. my appetite doesn't seem to go away, I don't think I could even eat myself to death if I tried; It constantly feels empty. I get exhausted walking up a flight of stairs (even more so then when cigarettes were an influence,) but I can't seem to sleep. I'm restless; I could lay in bed all day and not get a wink of sleep and when I do? I don't feel rested.
I think my biggest problem is I'm scared, and probably more then I should be.
I've never broken a bone, I've had the flu maybe three times in my life; I've never really experienced any kind of excruciating physical pain, like, the kind where you wish someone would put you out of your misery. So this whole non curable virus thing takes my roller coaster off it's tracks a bit. I don't feel like myself, and I'm worried as to how long something like this will last. I read that the symptoms only last about 2-4 weeks, but that people feel weak and fatigued for months after. I don't want that, at all. I like being a busy body. I like moving about and seeing people and working and even finding ways to procrastinate my academics; that's what makes me, me. And the thought that it's going to be altered is terrifying. I don't want people to pity me, to watch out for me because I'm suddenly weak and unauthorized to be my energetic self. I may be blowing this all out of proportion, but that's exactly my point.
This cave, these sheets, this computer screen I'm forced to be surrounded by gets my mind all tweaking and buzzing and I don't have my usual habits to balance it out.
I can't seem to flood over the image of me progressively getting larger and uglier as my body tangles itself into my bed sheets. my appetite doesn't seem to go away, I don't think I could even eat myself to death if I tried; It constantly feels empty. I get exhausted walking up a flight of stairs (even more so then when cigarettes were an influence,) but I can't seem to sleep. I'm restless; I could lay in bed all day and not get a wink of sleep and when I do? I don't feel rested.
I think my biggest problem is I'm scared, and probably more then I should be.
I've never broken a bone, I've had the flu maybe three times in my life; I've never really experienced any kind of excruciating physical pain, like, the kind where you wish someone would put you out of your misery. So this whole non curable virus thing takes my roller coaster off it's tracks a bit. I don't feel like myself, and I'm worried as to how long something like this will last. I read that the symptoms only last about 2-4 weeks, but that people feel weak and fatigued for months after. I don't want that, at all. I like being a busy body. I like moving about and seeing people and working and even finding ways to procrastinate my academics; that's what makes me, me. And the thought that it's going to be altered is terrifying. I don't want people to pity me, to watch out for me because I'm suddenly weak and unauthorized to be my energetic self. I may be blowing this all out of proportion, but that's exactly my point.
This cave, these sheets, this computer screen I'm forced to be surrounded by gets my mind all tweaking and buzzing and I don't have my usual habits to balance it out.
okay. I guess I should just be thankful I'm not dying.
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