today:

I missed you today, a lot.

forgive me for being a broken record.

buckethead.

REJECTED.

I am actually pretty embarrassed as to how quickly and suddenly I got my hopes up.
I just can't help it! I'm a sucker for guys with facial hair and good humor.

.....oh well.

this is going to be harder then I thought.

love. want. appreciate.

I thoroughly enjoy days spent painting, making crafts and sipping soda. I also love walks in the park with beautiful women. I love chain smoking and driving on the perimeter at 2 in the am. I enjoy the smokey upstairs that are stained with laughs, good music, wine and beer. I enjoy seeing her be proud to stand on her own two feet. I enjoy free domo glasses. I enjoy the newest "rollerblade" dance move. I can't wait for the greatest weekend in July EVER. I can't wait to wear my dresses. I can't wait until my hair gets stupid long. I want more amber in my jewelry pile. I want gladiator sandals SO BADLY.

oh, fuck. I'm up in 4 hours.

tea and crumpets, tea and crumpets!

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

the one eye was accomplished. sadly.
I had my first shot of Patrone(did I spell correctly?), an hour after my last exam.
I was the first person to leave the exam room. Guess where I was twenty minutes later?

I haven't felt this relieved in a long long long long time.
One of the best highlights yesterday was explaining to a friend of mine how I needed to invest in a flask for this years summers activities. To my surprise, later that evening I received one!
talk about fantastic timing!

thank you melanee. srsly. that made my day. I'm still excited about it.

"you look really happy today; like genuinely. it's very pretty."

^.^

erm...

BREAK LIGHTS NEED TO GO ON. NOW.

I'll be doing 'the one eye' this evening.

t minus 22 hours.

STOKED.

-to do poorly on my Shakespeare exam (fuck that guy, he's over rated.)

-to get freaking nasty drunk after my Shakespeare exam.

I don't want to know who Macbeth is by the end of the evening.

-thursday night with my favorite pack of ladies.
-jazz fest. jazz fest. jazz fest. MR HURRICANE!
-folkfest. folkfest. folkfest. (srsly. 77days)
-summer walks.
-corydon patios.
-the frankel/avery residence.
-the gagnon residence.
-weekend of may 17th
-the weekend after that = drunk pool playing for 8 hours. straight. fuckers.

oh my god. got my visa card today.
patrick garrity says: "Your mom and I have a bet going. The end of May, maxed out."
paige garrity says: "okay dad. if I win, you have to pay off the following two months."
pat:"HAHAHAHAHAHA! deal."


this is going to end very.very. badly.

gas. cigarettes. SHOES. DRESSES. BOOZE. ah.

*insert title here*

I had a decently productive day. I studied for english; who studies for english? I very uncommited university student who hates british literature that's who.

Eh, can't say that I'm doing to horribly. This year has taken a solid couple notches up compared to last. This is coming from a girl who got mostly C's and a D and cried A LOT because she just couldn't figure out the very complex and life threatening system that the university education system holds.


shit is different now though.

I know when and how to procrastinate(hah. that I re-read that and laughed. OXYMORON!) I know what needs to be done and what can wait. More importantly; I know what the quality of work has to look like. Thus, I eliminated the bad grades, brought my GPA up.
*pat on the back for paige.

Why am I writing about this? I can't stop talking about school because I want to be DONE school.

subject change:

I have the tendancy to write train of thoughts on my phone. NERDALERT. I know.
Part I:
I think of you, and my tears stop. But it's not because you make me happy, it's because you make my emotions go numb and come to a hault.
You are the reason for my stale emotions, you are the reason my stomach sinks, you are the reason I'll never feel this way again.

Part II:
I took a step into the deep end. I risked everything.
But the results are in: the stamp was made.
the glance is different; it's become less of a mystery.
but we'll see how this one ends,
so go ahead, make my day.

lucid dreaming

Hey there gorgeous,
You shouldn't fret. Just close your eyes, open your lungs and let your legs break the wake.
There are no skeletons in your closet, only daisies starving for water.
Your heart is to pure to suffer so much.
Forget the rules of the alphabet and live dangerously.
Your hands are quivering, because you're scared. But that creature underneath your bed will not harm you; for you are indestructible.

THIS TO SHALL PASS LOVE,


*this song stays on repeat.

marley beats.

WOW.

what a fantastic evening.
even work was decent, meh, work is always decent.

highlights of todays events:
- taste of folkfest at the head.

-dancing in a crowd.

-the gagnon family reunion.

-the PR with the gagnon famiy.

-recieving glances; the freedom to glance back.

-the button man.

-samantha hogue.

-feeling unstoppable.

I realized today how much I admire the people who plunge onto the dance floor; even when no one is dancing. They are so comfortable with themselves that the thought of being starred at, judged; doesn't even cross their minds.

... I am jealous of people like that.

cheers to tomorrow. .

it's just a goddamn roller coaster ride.

one minute everything is fine. dandy. peachy. fantastic.
then the next minute everything comes back and kicks me in the face. and it's not a slipper, it's a fucking combat boot.

first communication post separation: "I'm sorry."
didn't really apologize for the right things, but it was still there and that means I know the tide is beginning to fall. You even threw in a joke, which was really. really. nice. I didn't laugh, but it served it's purpose. I'm grateful.
the epilogue of this story is beginning to look more comforting, and reassuring.


keylime ice cream with strawberries, who knew it could cure everything? mmm.
Today I realized how lucky I am.

now say goodnight, and goodbye to day 1.
tomorrow is new. tomorrow doesn't exist, therefore today; tomorrow is perfect.

happy endings.

the air in the bedroom is different tonight. I have almost fully absorbed everything. I'm going to be O.K. I may have made a really big mistake; beauty of it is, I'll never fully know the truth. Sorry that today's topic will be tomorrow's. This is going to be so hard. I'm not looking forward to it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I take comfort in that.

I hope tooting my own horn works to some degree. knock on wood. I still have a lot to look forward to. this is a fragment; I learning process. gain is more then loss. I have beautiful friends, who support me. je vous aimes tellement.
Sorry folks, there's no fairytale ending over here.

you know who you are. they know who you are.

3:30: the hardest decision I've ever had to make; was made.
4:30: the beginning of the end.
4:45: you kick me while I'm down.
6:30: received a very; very hurtful email. I'm almost hoping you didn't write it, because the person I heard was not the person I let carry my heart for 2 years.

I hate what I had to do. I hate it. hate it. hate it. But it needed to be done. It's just not fair for us to continue on a path that's only sinking deeper and deeper into nothing.

call me names. tell me how awful I am. say how hurt you are.
but " I wasted two years "
that hurt.

But you're angry; it's okay. I get it.

One day you'll realize I'm not the end of your world. One day you won't be angry. One day you won't hate me. One day will soon become just, one day.

I'm so sorry.

ps. a list of things you hate about me. not helping. fuck.

tornado tornado. hurricane hurricane.
....waiting for the sunrise is the hardest part.

my healthy diet that doesn't exist.

I haven't had a single alcoholic beverage since Thursday. What's happening? am I finally becoming a responsible individual? ha. HA! probably not.

I sent my english prof a e-mail begging him to let me hand it my VERY VERY VERY VERY overdue essays. He's British, which means he loves girls with good fashion sense? kidding. But he is a fantastic prof, and I guess he likes me (even though I barely attend) so he gave me until Friday to hand in my junk. OH GLORY!
What does it mean when you can't fall asleep until 4 in the morning? Hello? Tyler Durden? I wish. My diet today has consisted of, well... the usual I guess. Junk, unhealthy, going to give me heartfailure like foods.
Shall I elaborate? of course I shall! but first I'm going to start with yesterdays diet.
Ahem,
veggies, easter dinner (so far so good), cream eggs, more cream eggs, candy coated chocolate eggs (here we go..), late night chicken fingers, SAFEWAY BUTTER BUNS(which are the shit.), coke zero(which is aweful. fuck that fake sugar shit that gives you cancer.)
moving along to today's diet:
two double shot espressos, a cream egg(they are so good, srsly.) and mexican chili old dutch chips.

heart failure? wouldn't surprise me.


erg. back to the essay I keep distracting myself from.


ps. just remembered: had three glasses of wine at dinner on Sunday. fuck.

eighty five and counting.

eighty five days until sheer bliss.
eighty five days until I laugh so hard it hurts.
eighty five days until mosquito repellent become my new eau de toilette.
eighty five days until 24 hours of amazing music.
eighty five days until living in my bathing suit.
eighty five days until the grass become my bed.
eighty five days until big sunglasses, scarfs with a multipurpose and jesus sandles.
eighty five days until hot dogs and cereal becomes breakfast, lunch and dinner.
eighty five days until beer also becomes breakfast, lunch and dinner.
eighty five days until I can dance wherever and whenever.
eighty five days until "peace" and "love"
eighty five days until you meet anyone and everyone. and they love you.
eighty five days until I have to hover every time I pee.
eighty five days until I have a sunglasses/bathing suit tan line.
eighty five days until my tent makes it through the possible hurricane.
eighty five days until I go to bed at 5 in the morning every.. morning.
eighty five days until I get up at 8:30 in the morning because it's to fucking hot.
eighty five days is eighty five days to many.

why can't it be here already....

hospitals at 4:30 am send me through a loop.

JESUS CHRIST.

dearest friends,
this is probably one of the best scenes I've ever seen.




this movie is epic.
Alexa, buy that shit.

at the end of the bottle, there is nothing.

LAST NIGHT:

consisted of Jeffs beautifully decorated home, beer with the bshop buds. Slipped and fell on my ass trying to dodge a frozen road lake. the elbow still hurts the next morning.

post Jeffs house:
ahem, wine got heavier. started taking it straight from the bottle; not smart.
Random house party???
Ran into Julien Desaulniers. Love that man. Had an interesting little chat with him about my life in it's current state.
He says:

Obviously it's meant to be if you both have spoke to me randomly in the same evening. You put up with so much, and you take it so well. You are awesome. So don't think that you not being awesome is even a consideration.

gee, thanks man.
and DANE! dane dane dane. I love our meaningful chats... but we should try and avoid to do so inebriated, we sound like broken records. hah, SWEATER TWINS!!!


lastly, miss sloan:
my dear, there are no words. actually, I think I may have a few:
dodging ice=bad news for paige. you picked me up when I fell. peeing oustide the ol. spag. fac. brilliant. circling around royal wood while you listen to me, in a slurring haze, let out the skeletons in my closet.
hope things don't change between us.
we're a great team. 110%

<3


all in all: had a great night.

mes amies, je t'adore.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Gags: you are phenomenal. Chicago. BP. never ending pool games. "shutthefuckup."
little penguin. white rum and coke in a to-go cup. always-ALWAYS. there for me.

Jules: you will never change. my cabin(both times). folkfest(the condo). movies and wine. your shitty apartment. "blimpy... because she's HUGE." brotha from anotha motha.

Avery: the one and only man that came out of SPAG that I actually appreciated. golf tournies. all you can eat. all you can drink. the same shitty apartment(prejulian.) meaningful talks. endless coffees at the junction. I don't know how I found you....

Osbourne Cox: "I would never kill the Jews.... I would toss a penny inbetween them and watch them fight to the DEATH." you are the biggest and best mistake ever.

Kathy: st.vital encounters. corydon encounters. sexy boy from new zealand encounters. cigarette addictions. great fashion sense. sarcastically genuine. a fucking babe. ps. where the fuck have you gone?

Doustin: two words. tapered. pants. you have grown so much. "think we should help them set the tent up?" "nah. it's to hot. and beer tastes better sitting down..."

last but not least:

the Bshop crew: tangles of heroic dance moves. DMP flip nights. boob slips. "the one eye". kareoke. readymix. fashion speak. amazing newest editions. sexual harassment in the workplace. simply fucking fantastic.



Mmmm. hah.

Driver, take me to oblivion please,

It is such a complex, amazing, fantastic, breath taking, hurtful, struggling emotion.
What once was stomach butterflies, and what seem could last a lifetime; is now slowly fading into oblivion. It's almost as if it never existed.

I'm knees deep in the mud trying to dig up what used to be. But just when I think I've come closer to the other side: I hit concrete. I'm back where I started.
I'm flipping between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One is sensible, sane ; moral. The other? Well, shit. I'm not too sure. Both are exhilarating, really. I receive satisfaction in both... oh, who am I kidding. I don't.

There's so much to this story and I already I know the ending.

......I just refuse to read it.

ground zero.

shit shit shit.

What part of me thinks this behavior is doable? everything is in a whirlwind haze, then why do I feel happy? Maybe it's not happiness; maybe it's thrill. I strive to feel the thrill of putting myself in a mess that can only go one way, down. fuck, it's 3am. I have retained none of the information i have been studying for 4 hours.

FANTASTIC.




... this is what I live for.

Ahem, Hi.

I was convinced I had so much to say. So many thoughts and witty comments.

....nothing.
ERGO:
School and my lack of interest towards it has taken it's course of flooding my subconscious. I can procrastinate until the end of time. The result of such actions is how it will still linger in the back of my mind; then expload into the present like some dirty virus.
Is it really, truthfully worth the hassle?
Um. Do I want money? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT THE FUCKING MONEY.



speaking of:

lack of funds needs to change for the following reasons:
the peacock.
the traveling.
the apartement.
the debt.

lame.



I'll come up with something better next time.